


Regrets

by SBG



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Action/Adventure, Angst, Drama, Gen, Missing Scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-31
Updated: 2013-12-31
Packaged: 2018-10-06 21:22:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10344810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SBG/pseuds/SBG
Summary: Spoilers: "The Light"Summary: What happened between scenes of "The Light’ and how it affectedthe unscheduled vacation immediately following...





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Yuma, the archivist: this work was originally archived at [Stargatefan.com](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Stargatefan.com). To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [StargateFan Archive Collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/StargateFan_Archive_Collection).

Regrets

**MISSING SCENES for _The Light_**

"You know, it is beyond my comprehension how anybody like yourself who has so much power can miss the point entirely!" Daniel's voice was vehement. 

Jack couldn't believe what he was hearing. He knew sleep deprivation could alter a person's mood and judgment, but Daniel was way beyond that. Daniel was just downright rude. Now if the kid was chewing out General 'I'm only a puppet' Bauer, Jack would not have an issue. But this was Hammond, a man who tolerated the shit flying at him with admirable grace and backed SG1 when no one else would dare. 

"Hey, hey! Knock it off!" Jack grated out before Daniel said something even dumber. 

For his effort, he was rewarded with a sullen scowl from the scholar and General Hammond's misleadingly gentle voice. Jack knew Hammond had had a rough couple of hours. Being ridiculed by an irrational Daniel was quickly pushing him over the edge. 

"It's all right, Colonel," Hammond verbally waved him back and turned his now icy words to Daniel. "This letter is to Lieutenant Barber's family claiming he died in the service of his country. I've spent the last few hours on it. I can't tell them anything about how he died or anything about the work he did here, only that he's gone. Do you get the point?" 

That _should_ have snapped Daniel to his senses, but the younger man continued to look completely put out. Jack's own exasperation grew. 

"Yes, sir. He DOES!" Jack spat, shooting Daniel a fierce warning glare. A glare that was returned with equal force. 

"Get him out of here," General Hammond snorted. 

Daniel jerked stiffly by Jack, bumping into his arm. Jack cringed and turned to his superior officer with an apologetic look. He didn't have to think very hard to know something was wrong. Hammond's grim gaze agreed. Time for a chat with Daniel. 

Jack hurried from Hammond's office to catch up with Daniel. The scientist was heading back to his lab, Jack was sure. Jack was also sure that he wouldn't make it there. He caught a blur of green round a corner and quickened his own steps. 

"Daniel! Hold up!" Jack called angrily. 

To Jack's complete surprise, Daniel came to an abrupt halt. The younger man turned around impatiently and waited for Jack to catch up with him. Sauntering up to the petulant figure, Jack was suddenly indecisive about how to approach Daniel. The archaeologist solved that dilemma for him. 

"What do you want, Jack? I don't have time for this!" 

Definitely past the kid's bedtime. 

"Oh, you _do_ have time, Daniel. Kill the attitude, will you? _I_ don't have time for it. What is going on with you? Did you even _hear_ what you were just saying to Hammond, because from where I was standing it was out of line. You should consider yourself lucky you're not facing a reprimand. If I was in his position --" 

Daniel choked on a laugh. "Right, Jack." 

Jack swallowed the urge to shake Daniel hard and ignored the gibe. Seems like personal insults weren't reserved for the general alone. Jack tried to look past the hurtful remark by coming up with excuses for Daniel's behavior. Sleep. Daniel was exhausted, still upset with Barber's suicide. He needed rest. He didn't really mean or know what he was saying. 

"Daniel, listen to me. You're going home. You're going to get a full night's sleep and then you're going to come back in and apologize to General Hammond like a good little boy," Jack said calmly. He knew he shouldn't have added the little boy part, but he couldn't stop himself. 

"Oh, please, Jack. Don't patronize me and don't tell me what to do!" Daniel was quick to retort. 

"I will tell you what to do. That damn Goa'uld thingamajig can and will wait until tomorrow. Go home, Daniel. Consider that an order." 

"God, both the general and you are treating me like a child! What the hell am I doing here if you won't let me do my job?" 

Jack's frustration had built beyond the point of stemming it. Justifications for Daniel's current attitude and behavior did little to appease his irritation. 

"I'm starting to wonder that myself, Daniel! Your attitude is completely unacceptable. I don't know if you're wanted here if it's a permanent condition. Maybe you _shouldn't_ be here!" The words flew out of Jack's mouth as if of their own volition. Within seconds he regretted them. 

Daniel ceased movement. The older man's words finally seemed to reach him. Jack watched as all color drained from the younger man's face. His fierce expression switched into a blank mask as Daniel backed away from Jack slowly. 

"Daniel, I didn't mean --" Jack tried to take back his harsh words, inching a step toward Daniel with arms outstretched in supplication. But the truth was he did mean it, at least a little. 

"No, Jack. You're right. And actually, I am tired. I'll see you tomorrow," Daniel said woodenly and walked away. It was as if a switch had been thrown, all energy and animation were cut off from their power source. 

Jack's eyes followed him, still annoyed with Daniel's behavior. Except now that annoyance was joined by concern and guilt. 

* * *

Carter dialed Daniel's home for the third time and Jack felt his anger from the prior day resurge. Damn that kid anyway. He really knew how to push buttons. Jack decided he'd just disregard Daniel's insubordination until Hammond directed him to go collect the wayward scientist. He knew it would happen as soon as the general heard of Daniel's latest rebellion. Then he and Daniel would have words. Again. 

He joined Teal'c, turning away from Carter's futile attempts. 

"What's the delay?" Hammond inquired as he entered the control room. 

"Daniel hasn't reported in yet this morning, sir." 

"What?" 

"I just called him. I think he picked up but now all I get is a busy signal," Sam sounded puzzled. 

"Yesterday he was demanding to leave immediately," Hammond said with frustration. 

Jack saw his chance and took it. "Maybe I should go give him a wake up call?" 

"Sounds to me like he could use one," Hammond snapped. 

Jack stormed out of the control room and headed for the lockers. He hastily threw on his civvies and headed for Daniel's apartment. 

He drove with crazy intensity, unaware of his surroundings. His concentration was reserved for Daniel alone. What was with the kid anyway? Ever since he'd learned of Barber's death, Daniel had been angry. He had practically blamed everyone at the SGC for not seeing any indication of the lieutenant's frame of mind and subsequent suicide, and Jack considered that a natural reaction. It went beyond that. 

Little things Jack only now found himself focusing on. Daniel tuned everyone out in the briefing, distracted by who knows what. When Teal'c offered his aid in the translation, Daniel rudely commented that he was expecting it, with only a glimmer of sincerity in his appreciation. 

Then in Daniel's lab, the scientist had stomped around like the world was out to get him and the stupid Goa'uld device had some personal vendetta against him. Oh, Jack noticed all that, but now he wondered if there was something more than sleep deprivation causing such a drastic change in his usually even-tempered young friend. 

And of course, there was the wonderful display in Hammond's office. The thing that prompted his own argument with Daniel. 

Jack had no doubt Daniel's absence at the Mountain this morning was a direct retaliation to their unfortunate exchange of words last night. He slammed his steering wheel so hard the palm of his hand stung. He thought Daniel would have considered the impact of his actions on others besides Jack, but apparently not. This petty 'I'll show you' stunt delayed the entire team and was a complete waste of time. 

He pulled into a parking space near Daniel's apartment, stopping with such abruptness his seat belt locked and he flew forward. He fumbled with the clasp and clambered out of the vehicle. Jack flew up the steps three at a time, trying to burn off the anger before he reached Daniel's apartment. 

Exiting the stairwell, Jack glanced down the hallway toward Daniel's apartment. What? The door was open a crack. Anger rapidly turned to concern. Jack approached the doorway, all senses on full alert. 

"Daniel?" he called tentatively, not really expecting an answer. 

Jack pushed the door open with trepidation and entered the silent apartment. The bad feeling in his stomach increased as he paused by the beeping phone. He cautiously made his way around the island, noting the half finished food scattered across the dining table. The teakettle began to whistle plaintively, and Jack peered into the kitchen to see if Daniel was hidden around the corner. 

Senses on full alert, Jack continued to cautiously scout the apartment. He noted the balcony door open and his heart skipped a beat. What would Daniel be doing out on the balcony on such a dreary, cold morning? 

Jack didn't want to look. He didn't want to confirm his already developed suspicion. But at the same time he couldn't stop. Peering around the door, he saw a hand gripping the railing tightly. 

Oh, God! 

Jack automatically flashed back to the argument in the hallway. He wanted to scream that he didn't mean what he'd said, that Daniel _was_ important. That the SGC couldn't lose him. That Jack couldn't lose him. 

This was all his fault. The despair he felt mirrored what he imagined Daniel was feeling. Jack found himself momentarily paralyzed. He quelled his need to grab Daniel and forcibly haul him back over onto the balcony, knowing it would only cause the younger man to startle and possibly make him plummet to his death. 

God, why had he yelled at Daniel? The thought wouldn't desist. 

"Daniel? What are you doing out here?" Jack tried to remain calm. Daniel stiffened at his voice. 

"None of it means anything," Daniel choked. 

Jack stared at the slumped shoulders blankly. He should be doing something, anything to get Daniel off that damn ledge and back into the apartment. Profound panic and indecision plagued his mind and he struggled for the right words. 

"Um, Daniel, why don't you come inside?" Jack asked gently. Those didn't sound like the right words to him, but they were all his numb brain supplied. 

Daniel continued as though talking to air. "I tried. It just... it goes away." 

Jack frowned. What was Daniel talking about? 

"OK, we'll... we'll get it back," Jack tried with the hopes the reassurance would seep into Daniel's awareness and somehow connect the younger man to him again. 

"You can't get it back!" Daniel chided him in a broken voice. 

This wasn't working! Jack feared if he didn't get through to Daniel soon it would be too late, but he couldn't give up. 

"W-whatever's wrong, w-we'll fix it," he soothed. That was a promise. 

"You don't even know what I'm talking about!" Daniel refuted once again, hysteria now creeping into his tone. 

"No, no I don't. But... come inside," Jack insisted. 

Daniel's head bobbed slightly and he said nothing. Jack continued his study of the younger man's back, willing him to hear he was not alone. 

Finally, Daniel turned slightly. Hope flared through Jack wildly and began to dry the damp chill that had set upon him. 

"Jack?" 

For a horrifying instant, it wasn't his friend on the ledge. Lieutenant Barber's image superimposed itself over Daniel's own and Jack knew it really _wasn't_ his friend. He lunged quickly and snagged Daniel's arm before the archaeologist could lose his balance. 

"Yeah," he said simply. 

Daniel's chest heaved in panic, realization of his precarious location seemed to overwhelm him. His head weaved back and forth in confusion. Jack wrapped his arm around Daniel to reassure both the younger man and himself. 

Jack would take Daniel back to the SGC and Doctor Fraiser would prove what he already feared. Whatever caused Barber's suicide was also affecting the archaeologist, but Daniel would be all right. He had to be. 

* * *

Daniel felt a heavy pressure on the middle of his chest. Blood thundered in his ears and his brain felt like cotton padding. He wanted nothing more than to keep his eyes closed, but the unidentifiable weight wouldn't allow him the respite. It moved slowly to his shoulder, a mirror of it suddenly making its presence known on the opposite side. 

Up and down motion massaged his upper arms and Daniel's hazy mind finally determined the sensation to be hands. Hands rubbing him as though to reassure him of something. Of what? 

Daniel attempted to swallow and found his mouth dry. His head moved without consent, lolling off to the right. What? He couldn't remember. Where? 

"Come on, Daniel. Open your eyes," a scared voice intruded on his disjointed thoughts. 

Jack. Why was Jack scared? Why was Jack _here_? The last Daniel had seen of him was in General Hammond's office and he'd been angry. Really angry. Really angry with him. Because he'd been acting like a jackass. 

Daniel peeled his sticky and uncooperative eyelids open, blearily taking in Jack crouched over him. The older man's face was set with a strange combination of concern and anger, the end result being an intimidating mask. 

"J-jack?" Daniel croaked. 

"Yeah," Jack whispered. "It's me. Welcome back." 

For the life of him, Daniel couldn't figure out where he'd been. "Back? What?" 

Jack saw his confusion and his brown eyes softened, eliminating the traces of anger. Relief flowed through Daniel -- Jack wasn't mad at him any more. But... but... God it was so hard to think. Daniel pursed his lips. 

"Shh, don't try to talk yet. Just rest, OK?" Jack murmured, his hands not stopping their ministration. 

The words and continued action made Daniel inexplicably nervous and scared. Usually when Jack 'asked' Daniel to keep quiet it was in a somewhat more forceful manner. The softer side of Jack wasn't exhibited except in extreme circumstances. Daniel scrunched his eyes shut again in concentration. 

He shivered as the coldness of the floor enveloped him. How did he end up on the floor anyway? Daniel dismissed the thought with an unconscious shake of his head. That didn't matter. Opening his eyes cautiously, Daniel glanced at his surroundings. Garish and gilded columns were startlingly familiar. They were back on P4X 347, but he had no recollection of traveling there. Wait a minute. Jack was scared and he felt like death warmed- 

"Jack, what happened?" Daniel was surprised at the weakness of his voice. He struggled to rise. 

"Damnit, Daniel!" Jack admonished. "Will you just rest?" 

Jack's hands gently pushed Daniel back down and then one moved to the bridge of his nose. The older man looked haggard and exhausted. Daniel found his own concern growing. 

"Are you all right?" he asked Jack. "You look like hell." 

The colonel's head shot up, eyes signaling his astonishment. "Am I all right? Yes, Daniel. I'm fine." 

"Then why won't you tell me what's going on?" Damn his tired vocal chords anyway. 

"OK, I'll tell you if you want to know so badly. You flat-lined before we came through the 'Gate, Daniel. You were dead," Jack punctuated his words by flying to his feet and pacing maniacally. 

Daniel gaped at him mutely. Dead? How was that possible? Jack had to be mistaken. He was fine when he spoke with Hammond just... yesterday? Random memories assailed him -- Jack's face in the hall, his own angry reflection in his bathroom mirror, the cold, gray morning air as he looked across the city. None of it was coherent, all a jumble banging away at his confused head. 

"Dead? What, how?" he stuttered. 

Jack stopped pacing, his face a controlled blank. "What do you remember about yesterday, Daniel?" 

"I... not much," Daniel admitted. He was finally confident enough to attempt sitting again. His body protested the movement, but he was successful. "I remember trying to get that Goa'uld computer to work. And I remember yelling at General Hammond." Daniel winced. The general had to be displeased with him right now. 

"Anything beyond that?" Jack prompted. 

Daniel tried to puzzle what Jack was probing for, but the memories remained sporadic and unclear. "No, not really. What the hell happened, Jack?" 

The older man moved to him. Wrapping an arm around his shoulder, Jack guided Daniel over to the dais step and helped him scoot up on it. He then sank down next to him, one hand scrubbing across his eyes as he sighed. The hand was gone quickly, and Daniel saw yet another conflict appear in Jack's eyes. 

"Tell me, Jack." 

Wearily, Jack nodded. "Yeah. Well, after you left Hammond's office, I sent you home to get rest. This morning you were a no-show for the mission and we couldn't get through on your phone. I volunteered to go get you. When I got to your place, I --" 

"You what?" Daniel prodded uneasily. He wasn't sure he wanted to know. If Jack was this upset about it, it had to be bad. 

"I found you on your balcony," Jack murmured, looking down. 

Relief swarmed. "Oh? Is that all? I --" 

"No, Daniel. I found you on the balcony, but you were, uh... on the ledge. On the other side of the railing," Jack sped through and raised bleak eyes once again to Daniel. 

God! Daniel felt his own eyes widen. He wouldn't do what Jack was implying! Denial raced through him and he opened his mouth to dispute the unwelcome words. One look at the older man halted the protest. Jack sat slumped over, his face pale and downcast as if afraid to look at Daniel. 

Barber. The lieutenant's face floated in front of him, a gruesome apparition. Daniel's mind raced. He _knew_ Barber. Knew the young man wouldn't harm himself. Neither would he. 

"Barber," Daniel said. 

Jack's attention was caught. He shot Daniel a look of amazement and he knew he'd guessed correctly. That meant- 

"The rest of SG5?" he hesitantly asked. 

Jack shook his head in misery. "All dead. They'd been here a couple of hours before you arrived. Doc says there's something here that's addictive and effects brain chemistry. The longer you're here, the worse the affects. A couple of hours, Daniel, and we could have saved them. A couple of hours and I wouldn't be talking to you right now." 

Daniel slid his eyes shut. No. He didn't want to believe it. Four good men, all gone. Here he was, a little rough around the edges but alive. It just didn't make sense. 

"I don't understand. Why didn't someone bring them back here?" 

"We didn't know, Daniel. Don't you think we would have if we had?" Jack grabbed Daniel's shoulder for emphasis, giving it a shake and squeeze. "Carter, Teal'c and I were all here, apparently already addicted when they died. Doc only figured it out from the samples I brought back." 

Daniel cringed, brought his legs up and folded his arms across his knees. He didn't want to think. He couldn't right now. Sighing, Daniel lay his head down on his arms and tried to ignore the thoughts bombarding him. Jack kept his hand gently on his shoulder, a small but much needed comfort. Daniel raised his head again. 

"Where are Teal'c and Sam?" he asked to divert himself from the regret he felt on the loss of SG5. 

Jack's eyes became cold and hard with irritation. "I think they're staring at that damn light. I called for them, but they didn't come." 

"They can't help it, Jack." 

"I know. I know, but... " Jack paused, pondering his words. "I'll go get them. You just sit tight." 

Daniel laughed softly, "I don't think I could move if I wanted to, Jack." 

"Right." Jack looked uncomfortable. 

Daniel curled his head back down to his knees and closed his eyes. Jack's footsteps got further and further away. 

* * *

Teal'c reluctantly stepped onto the ramp and immediately turned around to observe the Stargate disengage. 

As it blinked off he suddenly felt the separation from his friends acutely. He was glad he was able to leave the planet and did not envy his companions their confinement, but for some reason felt he should remain with them. 

"Welcome home, Teal'c," General Hammond greeted as he entered the 'Gateroom. 

Turning to meet him, Teal'c surveyed the room. It bustled with activity and he could not determine the reason for it. He shot the general an inquisitive look. 

"Preparations for the memorial service," General Hammond murmured. 

Teal'c took an involuntary step backward. How had he forgotten? He berated himself for his selfish thoughts. Studying General Hammond's worn face, Teal'c noted the sadness and regret. He knew every time a team returned with injuries or fatalities General Hammond felt the loss as deeply as losing a family member. 

"I would like to assist," Teal'c offered. 

"Thank you, Teal'c, but they're just about finished. Besides, I need your report. I'll accompany you down to the infirmary. Dr. Fraiser wants to have a look at you." 

Teal'c wondered why General Hammond saw it necessary to join him. He opened his mouth to ask the question, but the general's countenance was unwavering. Teal'c assumed both the doctor and the general required the same information and started for the infirmary. General Hammond marched with him silently. 

The infirmary was eerily quiet. Teal'c looked about for Dr. Fraiser, finally locating her in a far corner. The petite woman looked exhausted, no doubt a direct result of losing three men in a short period of time. Almost four. Teal'c frowned at the thought. He did not know how Daniel Jackson had been fortunate enough to evade the fate of SG5. Perhaps Dr. Fraiser and General Hammond would provide information on that matter. 

Dr. Fraiser noticed the two men and headed over to them swiftly. "Teal'c, it's good to have you back. Why don't you have a seat here?" 

Teal'c arranged himself on the gurney, awaiting the examination. General Hammond and Dr. Fraiser stared at him as though concerned for his safety. Teal'c raised an eyebrow in puzzlement at the doctor's nervous movements. He was in no danger. Why were they behaving in such a strange manner? 

"I believe you will find my symbiote makes me impervious to the withdrawal symptoms," Teal'c stated, hoping to relieve some of the tension. "Daniel Jackson believes the palace was once a 'vacation spot' for the Goa'uld and thus designed to allow them to leave without harm." 

General Hammond and Dr. Fraiser flinched at his mention of Daniel Jackson. Teal'c's uneasiness increased as the doctor's adept fingers faltered slightly. 

"I spoke with Dr. Jackson briefly. Is he doing all right, Teal'c?" General Hammond inquired. 

"He is well." 

Two relieved bursts of air followed his assurance. 

"General Hammond, may I ask the reason you believe Daniel Jackson to be unwell?" 

The general looked startled at his question. A quick glance at Dr. Fraiser revealed the same shock. 

"Teal'c, were you there when the colonel brought Daniel back?" the doctor asked rather than responding to the question. 

"I was not. Major Carter and I were in the room with the light," Teal'c admitted. 

"Then you don't know... " General Hammond began, "Teal'c, Dr. Jackson's heart stopped before we were able to transport him safely back to P4X 347." 

Teal'c reeled in surprise at the revelation. By the time O'Neill collected him, Daniel Jackson was sitting up. He had no idea the true circumstances of the young man's condition and he had not thought to question it. He remembered how O'Neill strode immediately to the archaeologist's side and scrutinized him carefully. Teal'c should have made the connection. 

His symbiote flopped sickeningly, Teal'c's own feelings causing it distress. He had wanted to know how Daniel Jackson survived where SG5 did not. Now that he knew he was unsure what to do with the information. What he did know was he needed to return to the planet. 

* * *

"Major Carter, where are Colonel O'Neill and Dr. Jackson?" General Hammond asked. 

"Oh, I don't know. I think the colonel went out to see how long he could go before feeling withdrawal. Daniel's off with Loran somewhere," Sam sighed. 

"I see. How are you doing for supplies?" 

"Good. I think we'll need to be restocked in a couple of days, though." 

As if sensing she was holding something back, the general asked, "How's the morale?" 

Sam didn't want to answer that. The colonel was demonstrating just how insufferable he could be. He griped constantly at Loran for getting under his feet, at her for God only knows why, and said very little to Daniel. It struck her as odd and alarming that their usual banter was conspicuously absent. Instead of picking on Daniel, the colonel hovered over him. Catered to his every whim. Refused to leave him alone for more than fifteen minutes. Stared at him with a haunted look on his face. 

Daniel, in turn, shied away from the colonel's attempts in obvious discomfort. At first, he tried to escape the colonel, leaving the room when the older man entered. Eventually, though, he succumbed to the colonel's odd behavior. If it wasn't so disturbing, Sam might find it comical. More upsetting than Daniel's evasion tactics was his silence. The normally verbose scientist spoke only when spoken to, and at that with limited responses. He kept company with Loran as if the boy's quiet disposition was a refuge. 

Sam sat in the middle, watching it all from a distant point. The morale was not good. 

"Well, sir. I'm not sure. The colonel and Daniel are acting strangely," Sam generalized. 

"Do you think it's related to the addiction?" 

"No, sir. It's just --" Sam looked at the camera helplessly. She wished she could see General Hammond for some reason. 

"It's just what, Major?" the general prompted. 

"I don't know. They just seem extremely uneasy around each other." 

"Keep an eye on them, Major," the general directed. "I'll contact you again at 1300 tomorrow." 

"Yes, sir." 

The Stargate winked out abruptly, leaving Sam alone in the dim palace. She felt no reassurance from the conversation -- she had irrationally hoped the general could provide an explanation. Sam laughed at herself. How would he know what was going on in the heads of Colonel O'Neill and Daniel? 

"Carter?" 

Sam jumped at the colonel's words. She looked up and saw him crossing the room toward her. The question she knew was next came as expected. 

"Where's Daniel?" 

Furrowing her eyebrows, Sam was astonished to hear panic edging his tone. What? 

"He's in Loran's room. Apparently the kid had something to show him." 

"Oh. OK," The colonel's shoulder's relaxed. "I'm going to join them. Want to come?" 

Sam sent forth an apology to Daniel. "No, sir. That's OK." 

"Suit yourself." 

The colonel stomped away noisily. Sam watched him go, guiltily indulging herself respite from the awkward atmosphere. She really didn't know how long she could handle it. 

* * *

General Hammond stood in the briefing room gazing down at the MPs removing the final evidence of the memorial service from the 'Gateroom. He glared at the cold Stargate with fury. So many lives lost. Was it worth the gain? Sometimes he just couldn't justify it. Today was one of those times. 

He thought perhaps speaking to the stranded members of SG1 would alleviate his grim mood, but his conversation with Major Carter instead brought additional concern. Hammond suspected the cause for Colonel O'Neill and Dr. Jackson's discomfort. He only wished he could do something about it. 

"General Hammond," Teal'c's voice rumbled behind him. 

"What is it, Teal'c?" he said wearily, rubbing a hand over his hairless crown. 

"I wished to see if I could be of some assistance to you." 

Hammond spun about, surprised at the understanding in the Jaffa's offer. The alien was uncannily perceptive. "Thank you, Teal'c. I just need time." 

"Indeed. It is regretful SG5 could not be saved," Teal'c agreed. "Their loss is very apparent." 

"Yes, it is." 

"General Hammond, I also wanted to inquire about SG1. Have you spoken with them?" 

"I did, Teal'c. You were meditating and I didn't want to disturb you," Hammond paused as Teal'c bowed slightly. "To be honest, I'm a bit concerned. Major Carter tells me Colonel O'Neill and Dr. Jackson are still not behaving normally. Whatever that means." 

"Is there cause for alarm?" Teal'c straightened his shoulders stiffly. 

"No, no, I don't think so. She said they aren't speaking to each other," Hammond explained. 

Teal'c looked at him sharply. "I see. Did Major Carter divulge a reason?" 

"No she didn't, Teal'c. But she didn't really need to. I think I know what the problem is." Hammond made his way to a chair, indicating for Teal'c to sit as well. "Dr. Jackson came to see me the night before SG1 was scheduled to return to the planet, which I am sure you are aware. He was exhausted and clearly not acting like himself -- things were said, I won't elaborate -- and he left. Colonel O'Neill took off after him before I could instruct him to ensure Dr. Jackson got some rest. I followed them and found them arguing down the hall. I didn't hear the entire thing, but I did hear how it ended." 

Hammond stopped, suddenly uncertain if he should relate the details. "Let's suffice it to say that Dr. Jackson may have gotten the impression he was no longer wanted on SG1." 

Teal'c's eyes burned holes into him. "O'Neill could not have intended that." 

"I agree, Teal'c," Hammond soothed. "But keep in mind the next time the colonel saw Dr. Jackson he was suicidal." 

"Indeed. A fact I did not know until recently." 

Hammond heard the resentment in Teal'c's voice. He really didn't know how communication had gotten so messed up. "I'm sorry about that, Teal'c. I assumed Colonel O'Neill informed you." 

"He did not. But that is in the past. I regret not being informed, however I cannot change it. I can attempt to remedy it now. I request permission to return to P4X 347." 

Without hesitation Hammond replied, "Granted." 

* * *

_"You know, it is beyond my comprehension how anybody like yourself who has so much power can miss the point entirely!"_

_"Don't patronize me and don't tell me what to do!"_

_"What the hell am I doing here if you won't let me do my job?"_

The memories flew at him relentlessly. It had been a week and still they wouldn't leave him alone. Every time Daniel looked at Jack, he was reminded of how foolishly he had acted. So he tried to elude Jack. The man had become more tenacious than a junky seeking a fix. No matter where Daniel went, Jack tracked him down. 

Daniel couldn't quite figure it out. He knew Jack was scared that he might die earlier, but the threat was non-existent now. He was better. All fixed. Unlike SG5. Daniel realized a memorial service had probably already been held. He wished he could have been there. 

"Daniel? Are you all right?" 

Looking at Loran, Daniel shook his head. He must have been out of it for quite a while. The boy looked positively peaked with worry, his nervous eyes flitting left and right. Daniel had developed a fairly good relationship with the youth and really appreciated his assistance with the translations. 

"I'm fine, Loran. Just thinking." Daniel smiled sadly. 

"You are thinking of the men you came with the first time. I am sorry they died," Loran said timidly. 

Daniel was a bit taken aback by Loran's insight. "I am too." 

"It is my fault. I should have told Jack sooner." 

"Maybe." Daniel didn't want to lie. "But you were frightened. No one blames you, Loran. I've told you this many times." 

"Yes, I know. But the feeling doesn't go away." 

"No," Daniel agreed, "and it might not for a long time. I feel the same thing, I keep asking myself why I am still alive while they aren't." 

"Survivor's guilt," Loran said knowingly. 

Daniel did a double take. Jack must've -- 

"Jack explained this to me. He said it was not my fault my parents died and I should not feel bad for being alive." 

Daniel's heart raced. Jack knew Daniel was feeling guilty and that's why he wouldn't leave him alone. He smiled at his friend's silent gesture and regretted he hadn't realized it earlier. Why hadn't Jack just talked to him? His smile faded. Probably because he'd been avoiding Jack like the plague. 

_"Maybe you_ shouldn't _be here!"_

Daniel sat back, shocked at the unsolicited memory. Jack? He remembered the whole argument now. Jack couldn't have meant what he said -- it was simply a reflex to Daniel's own insults. They did lend another facet to Jack's behavior this week. The problem was, Daniel didn't know what to do. Should he approach Jack? No, Daniel decided. If Jack didn't want to discuss it, Daniel would honor that. 

Brushing aside the thoughts, Daniel focused on Loran. "Jack's a smart man. He's right, you know. Now let's go to the Stargate. General Hammond should be sending supplies shortly. 

"Do you think he'll send ice cream?" Loran asked hopefully. 

* * *

Sam couldn't take it anymore. Something had to be said and it was obvious neither of her companions were about to give any information. She'd finally decided it would be best to tackle each individually in case their current state was somehow caused by the other. It had been harder to get them apart than she anticipated, but finally the colonel agreed he needed to get out of the palace for a bit. She joined him. 

"Colonel, if I may-what the hell is going on with you and Daniel?" Sam dove in as soon as she felt they were far enough up the beach. 

As she expected, the man whirled on her. "Carter! Last week I would have written that off as withdrawal, but now you're just being --" 

"I'm sorry, sir. But you really leave me no choice. I've suffered through a week of you on a rampage, Daniel hasn't been communicative, and Loran isn't exactly a conversationalist either! It's been extremely uncomfortable and if we're stuck here another week I think we should at least get whatever's bothering you out in the open," Sam asserted. As she spoke, she observed the colonel's eyes narrow angrily. He was now glaring at her as though she was the enemy. 

"Finished?" he asked sarcastically. 

"Yes, sir. My concern is valid," Sam reaffirmed. She waited, hoping her commanding officer would decide to tell her what she wanted to know. 

"So what specifically do you think I should tell you?" 

That threw Sam for a loop. She searched her mind for what she thought had started the colonel on his permanent foul mood. When he had come to the light room to retrieve her and Teal'c after bringing Daniel- 

"What exactly happened with Daniel back home? I've noticed you staring at him as though he was going to disappear," Sam pressed with a little trepidation. 

The colonel's face screwed into a pained grimace. He shook his head and began to walk away with a wave of his hand. 

"Sir," she ran after him, grabbing his arm and twirling him to face her. " Sir! What? Tell me!" 

His face paled noticeably at her demand. She didn't have time to feel bad. 

"Damnit, Carter! Why can't you leave it alone?" he begged. 

"No, sir. I won't," she said with conviction. 

The colonel sighed. "Did I tell you where I found Daniel the morning of the mission?" 

"Well, he was unconscious when you brought him in, so I assumed --" 

"He was on his balcony ledge, Carter. Ready to take a header. Just like Barber," he spoke haltingly. 

Stunned, Sam gawked at him. Why hadn't anyone said anything? She had a right to know that! Indignation swelled in her and she opened her mouth to speak. 

"We figured something had to be triggering it, so Hammond okayed the mission. When I brought the samples back, Daniel was bad. Really bad, Carter. By the time Doc figured out the addiction was something here, time had almost run out. The only option I had to save Daniel was to bring him back. I told you that. But I didn't tell you he was dead when I carried him through," the colonel intoned, voice betraying no emotion. 

Sam's knees were jelly; she had to sit as all the blood rushed from her head. Plopping unceremoniously onto the damp sand, she covered her face with her hands and concentrated on breathing. My God, she'd had no idea how close they'd really come to losing Daniel. 

Her head reeled with the information and Sam attempted to assimilate it, but she couldn't decide which emotion was the strongest: shock or anger. She, Daniel and the colonel had been stuck here for a week and neither of them saw fit to tell her that important piece of information. 

"Oh, God, sir. Why didn't you tell me any of this?" she gasped. "Didn't you think it important for me to know?" 

"I don't know, Carter, all right? I guess I just... I don't know," the colonel said helplessly, spreading his hands and crouching down to her. 

No wonder the colonel hadn't wanted Daniel out of his sight. Sam could only imagine what it was like to watch someone she cared for die right in front of her. Unbidden memories attacked her: Daniel in Machello's weak old body, Cassandra with that Goa'uld bomb in her chest, Teal'c slipping away because of some damn bug, the colonel impaled on the wall of the 'Gateroom. She _had_ experienced what the colonel was going through. 

"You should have told me, sir," Sam scolded softly. "I could've helped. We could have dealt with the trauma together. We still can." 

"Carter, will you stop the textbook crap? I didn't tell you about the balcony because, well, because I thought Daniel wouldn't appreciate it. And the other? You were a little caught up with that damn light and I was pissed that Daniel was dying and you and Teal'c couldn't drag yourselves away!" the colonel burst, "and because --" 

"That's not fair, sir," Sam interrupted, aghast at his cutting remark. At the same time a part of her agreed with him. Sam regretted not being able to be there for Daniel or for the colonel this past week. However, she had had little control as far as the light was concerned. "You know as well as I how compelling that thing is. You should have told me!" 

The colonel stood and began pacing. "You're right, Carter. I'm sorry. I just --" 

"You just what?" Sam coaxed, "I think you need to get this out, sir." 

"I know. I know. I don't know." The colonel brushed his hands through his hair and sat down next to her. "This is hard. But you're right. The night before we were scheduled back here, Daniel was out of control with Hammond. Looking back, I should have known something was really wrong then. I just thought he was overtired. God, he was acting as arrogant as when he was addicted to that damn sarcophagus." 

He gave her a raised eyebrow look. She nodded at the unpleasant memory, a scowl washing over her features. Sam would never forget how Daniel became a totally different person while under the Goa'uld machine's influence. 

"I don't know why I couldn't see it! I chased him down the hall to order him home for some rest. We had an argument and we both said some nasty things. Things he doesn't remember. Things I _do,_ " the colonel's voice was haunted. 

"Like?" Sam thought she might be pushing too hard, but it was necessary. 

"Oh, Daniel was slinging insults left and right," the older man said resignedly, "and I basically told him that if he kept it up he might as well take it somewhere else. That he was worthless." 

"Sir, I'm sure he wouldn't think you meant that even if he could remember," she tried to assure, shocked at his admission. Sam knew Daniel and knew he'd be able to forgive the colonel just about anything, especially words spoken in the heat of a disagreement. 

"That's not the point. The point is the next time I saw him, he was about to kill himself. I thought... I thought just for a second it was because of what I said. Then he almost died and I never would have had the chance to apologize." 

"Apologize for what, Jack?" 

The new voice startled the pair. Simultaneously, they jumped to their feet and swung around to come face to face with Daniel and Teal'c. 

* * *

The activated 'Gate spit Teal'c onto the dais, his exit as smooth as ever. With calm passiveness, Teal'c surveyed the room and caught sight of Daniel Jackson and Loran in a far corner. He made his way over to them as both stood and headed his way. 

"Daniel Jackson. Loran. It is good to see you again." 

"Teal'c! What're you doing here?" Daniel asked with puzzlement. 

"There were no missions I could join, nor was there anything else for me to do." 

"Bored, huh?" Daniel asked with a slight smile. 

"Indeed," Teal'c graced Daniel with a return smile. "General Hammond agreed this shipment of supplies should be hand delivered." 

"Did you bring ice cream?" Loran asked excitedly. 

"I did not." 

"Oh." The boy's face fell and he walked away muttering unintelligibly. 

"Loran is still having a hard time getting used to having someone to talk with," Daniel explained. 

Teal'c cocked his head at Daniel. The young man shook his head with another small smile. Teal'c conducted a visual assessment of his friend, pleased to find the archaeologist looking better. He spent the better part of the week meditating about the near loss of Daniel Jackson, as well as O'Neill and Major Carter. 

"I see. Where are Major Carter and Colonel O'Neill?" Teal'c asked. 

"They're, uh, they're getting some air. It's a good thing, too. Jack's been kind of out of sorts for some reason," Daniel said with a strange expression on his face. 

Teal'c believed he understood the cause for O'Neill's disconcertion. After General Hammond and Doctor Fraiser had been kind enough to explain the details of the events at the SGC while he and Major Carter were hypnotized by the light, he felt similarly to his commanding officer. 

He had been astonished to discover that Daniel Jackson had been flat-lining when O'Neill returned him to the planet. Teal'c had assumed the young man to still be in a coma, and to find this was not the case caused Teal'c deep regret. He was mesmerized by the light when his friend was dying. When he should have been offering assistance to O'Neill. 

"Daniel Jackson, why did you not mention your heart had stopped beating prior to your return here?" Teal'c asked bluntly. 

Daniel carped for several seconds, at an apparent loss for words. His face blanched as he finally answered, "I, uh, I don't know, Teal'c. I guess I didn't quite know how to work it into conversation." 

"This is not a laughing matter, Daniel Jackson. It was only upon my return to the SGC that I learned of this. Did you not feel it necessary for me to know?" Teal'c questioned, finding he was hurt by the omission more than he thought. 

Daniel sobered. He hugged his arms close to his chest and began to pace. Teal'c watched him with patience and waited for the younger man to speak. 

"No, Teal'c! That's not it. I'm not exactly sure why we didn't say anything. I don't remember much, just that Jack was alone when I woke up," Daniel attempted. 

Teal'c flinched at Daniel's painful reminder that he had not been there for his friends. He clenched his jaw once, then began, "Yes, Daniel Jackson. For that I wish to apologize. I regret that I was unable to resist the light and come to your assistance." 

Daniel stopped pacing and stared at Teal'c, aghast. "What? Teal'c you couldn't have known --" 

"Daniel Jackson, please allow me to make my apology," Teal'c continued. "Though I believe I should have been made aware of your true condition, I also know I should have been present to witness it myself." 

Teal'c bowed his head slightly in deference to the younger man. 

"Teal'c, I really don't think _you_ owe _me_ an apology. I don't even remember anything!" 

"General Hammond also told me of your intention of suicide, and that he overheard you and Colonel O'Neill arguing the night before," Teal'c didn't stop, knowing his words would stun the archaeologist. "Based upon Major Carter's reports during the past week, we are concerned that it is affecting you both." 

Daniel paled. "I... I don't really remember much of it to be honest with you. Jack stopped me. I insulted him. I went home. That's it! Even what I can remember has been coming back in bits and pieces. I really don't see what it has to do with anything." 

Teal'c listened to Daniel, deciding it was necessary to reveal to the younger man the details of the argument. Teal'c suspected Daniel might already have remembered more than he was letting on. 

"Colonel O'Neill questioned your role at the SGC. His words were spoken in haste and I am sure he did not mean them. However, when he went to your home --" Teal'c trailed off, allowing Daniel to complete the sentence on his own. 

"Oh, God! When he found me on that ledge, he must have thought... we should go find Jack and Sam," Daniel whispered, "I have to tell him it wasn't his fault." 

"Indeed." 

* * *

"Apologize for what, Jack?" 

Jack leapt to his feet and spun around like a top at Daniel's voice. How long had they been there? Where did Teal'c come from? 

"Hey, guys!" Jack spluttered, "what's going on?" 

He tried desperately not to show how upset he was at their appearance. Jack had no idea how much of his and Carter's conversation they'd heard. He studied Daniel's face for a moment and had his answer. 

"Teal'c, it's good to see you. Why'd you come back?" Carter asked. 

"I believe that will become apparent soon enough," Teal'c responded mysteriously. 

Jack didn't like the sound of that. Teal'c's words confirmed Daniel's face. He had just unloaded major emotional baggage to his 2IC and didn't really feel up to doing it again. He realized it didn't really matter how much Daniel and Teal'c heard. 

"Where's Loran?" Jack asked in one last-ditch attempt to avoid the upcoming discussion. 

"Oh, he's off somewhere. I don't think we need to worry about him, Jack. He's been here alone for half of his life. He can take care of himself," Daniel said. 

Jack nodded mutely. 

"So, uh, so how much did you guys just hear?" Jack asked timidly. 

"Enough, Jack." 

"Teal'c maybe we should go back to the palace --" Carter began. 

"No, Sam, stay," Daniel directed. "I really think you should stay." 

All four stood in awkward silence for endless seconds. Jack fidgeted uncomfortably, hoping one of his teammates would dare speak the first words. It became obvious they were all in the same predicament. 

"So, uh, so --" 

"Jack, I want you to know that in no way were you responsible for me being suicidal," Daniel burst out suddenly. "I mean, I didn't even know what I was doing. How could you feel responsible for that?" 

Jack stared at the younger man. "I know that, Daniel. I know it wasn't my fault, but what I said to you was unacceptable." 

"From what I remember I wasn't exactly being Prince Charming, Jack. I know how to push your buttons when I'm not a drug-crazed maniac. I think you gained first hand knowledge of what I'm capable of while under the influence. Anything you said was basically under duress, right?" Daniel pleaded, his eyes blazing. 

Jack decided that Daniel really didn't hold anything against him and he was beyond relief. The guilt wouldn't go away any time soon, but at least he knew where Daniel stood with him. Daniel understood that his own actions were a result of an outside influence. And if he could, then Jack could too. 

He nodded at the younger man, unable to vocalize his feelings. He hoped his eyes conveyed his gratitude. Carter was right. This needed to be out in the open. 

"Carter, Teal'c, I just want to say I'm sorry I didn't really tell you the full story. I still don't know why I couldn't," Jack said feebly. 

"I'll second that," Daniel chimed in. 

Jack threw the younger man a grateful look. He wouldn't be surprised at all if Carter and Teal'c were not able to look past the discrepancy. 

Good fortune was on his side, however. Both Carter and Teal'c nodded warily. It looked as though they were willing to grant him a little leeway, but Jack would regret not being completely honest with his team and promised himself not to let it happen again. He started fidgeting under their silent acknowledgement. 

"Daniel," Carter broke in rather suddenly, "I'm sorry I wasn't there when the colonel brought you back here." 

"Not you, too?" Daniel said with exasperation. "Teal'c tried to apologize for the same thing. Don't either of you remember I was affected by that light before either of you? I know how powerful an attraction it held. You had no way of knowing what was going on back on Earth!" 

Jack hid a smile as he watched Carter fumble under Daniel's tirade. It was nice to see her lose her edge every once in a while. Her faced turned scarlet and she began to study her hands laboriously. 

"Now, Daniel, you know it's human nature to feel bad for when things are out of control." 

"Indeed," Teal'c agreed. 

"Right, right. You're right," Daniel grinned. "Sorry, Sam. Guess I got a little carried away. Even though there was no reason for _anyone_ to apologize here, shall we all just call it even?" 

Jack laughed. Nothing like a global warm fuzzy. He looked around at his team, thankful everyone was still in one piece. It had been far too close for comfort this time. 

The same could not be said for SG5. Jack sobered at the thought, his laughter fading into a tight-lipped smile. Daniel was not the only one to feel guilt over their loss. As if his mood was the gauge for the team, all four of them suddenly became mute. 

As one, they turned back toward the palace in silence. Jack caught each of his friends' eyes to find them filled with gratitude for their own sake and regret their happy ending was not to be shared with their dead colleagues or their families. 

**~ The End ~**

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>   
>  © March 2001 The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.  
> 

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**Author's Note:** Many, many thanks to Lems and Mirabour for their beta assistance. It wouldn't be what it is without them! 

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